The Clergy Spouse Christmas

Well it is that time of year again – there are chocolate reindeer in the shops and the church fair organisers are asking for donations so it must be time for the annual Clergy Spouse (CS) Christmas post. This will be my seventh Christmas as a CS but the first remains the one I most vividly remember. Something about Christmas seemed to magnify the struggles I was already having – the sense of loneliness and displacement, of not knowing how I fit in with my OH’s calling and curacy church, feeling far away from family, friends and my previous life. I was pretty miserable despite having the company of my lovely in-laws. Since that first year I’ve often thought Christmas is a time when the challenges of CS life can be particularly keenly felt and many of us and our clergy other halves struggle with balancing church and family life. So here are some things which have helped me and which I hope will help others as you plan for the festive season. If nothing else I hope it will help you to know that if you’re having a hard time you are not alone and there is no shame in finding things difficult

  1. Accept, grieve, get Christmas in perspective

I often dislike people’s talk of sacrifice with reference to CSs because too often the sacrifice they are referring to is unnecessary and could be prevented with some common sense and compassion. In the case of Christmas I think that for most CSs the ‘normal’ family Christmas is a genuinely unavoidable sacrifice. I’ve found fighting the reality of this sort of sacrifice just breeds misery and resentment. Most of us have to accept that being married to an ordained person will require the sacrifice that religious festivals will be different for us to most people and to life before being married to a minister.  It is kinder to yourself if you accept those things you cannot change and take time to mourn the Christmas you would be having if your OH was not ordained.

Continue reading

Advertisements

Salisbury Diocese and London Area Clergy Spouse Days with Esther Ministry

There are two days for clergy other halves coming up in September both are being facilitated by Rowena Cross from Esther Ministry who has run a few days for clergy spouses across the country. Continue reading

The Clergy Spouse Christmas

This time last year I published a post about Christmas and it has been my most viewed post so far. I think Christmas is a time when the challenges of CS life can be keenly felt and many of us and our clergy other halves struggle with balancing church and family life. So here is a slightly updated version of last year’s post for anyone who missed it the first time, hopefully published early enough to give you plenty of time to think over how you will approach the festive season.

  1. Accept, grieve, get Christmas in perspective

I often dislike people’s talk of sacrifice with reference to CSs because too often the sacrifice they are referring to is unnecessary and could be prevented with some common sense and compassion. In the case of Christmas I think that for most CSs the ‘normal’ family Christmas is a genuinely unavoidable sacrifice. I’ve found fighting the reality of this sort of sacrifice just breeds misery and resentment. Most of us have to accept that being married to an ordained person will require the sacrifice that religious festivals will be different for us to most people and to life before being married to a minister.  It is kinder to yourself if you accept those things you cannot change and take time to mourn the Christmas you would be having if your OH was not ordained. Keep communicating with your spouse and let them know how you feel, not to make them feel guilty but so you can be supported. Keeping your feelings under wraps often just leads to brewing resentment and some sort of explosion further down the line. Continue reading

Facebook Support for Clergy Marriages in Crisis and Divorced/Separated CSs

There has been a recent change to the Facebook groups offering support to CSs who are facing crises in their marriage or are separated. The original group ‘Beyond the Vicarage’ has given way to two new groups, ‘Clergy Marriage in Crisis’ and ‘Broken Rites’. ‘Broken Rites’ is for separated and divorced spouses of clergy who have become members of the Broken Rites support group, for more information about Broken Rites see their website: http://brokenrites.org/index.html. ‘Clergy Marriage in Crisis’ is aimed at those who are still married but are facing serious difficulties and need a space to vent, find advice, information and support. Both are secret groups so cannot be found through a normal search on Facebook, instead you can join them through the Broken Rites website here: http://brokenrites.org/support-links.html. For more information or help joining you can get in touch with Katharine Harrison through the Clergy Spouse Support Facebook page.

Finding Your Gifts – Get some help from Esther Ministry

I have recently been contacted by a fellow CS who has stepped out in faith to follow her calling to help other people discover their gifts and calling from God. It has particularly been on her heart to help other CSs so on November 19, at St Saviour’s Church, Sunbury-on-Thames, she will be running a whole day dedicated to helping CSs discern God’s will for them. It is open to spouses of Ordinands as well as those already ordained and to men and women. Read on for Rowena’s story of how she found embarking on life as a CS (which I’m sure many of us can relate to!) and to find the link to the advert for more information.

Continue reading

The Society of Mary and Martha, Sheldon – support for clergy and CSs

Thanks to the Clergy Spice Facebook group I have recently become aware of The Society of Mary and Martha, a charity which is based at their property Sheldon in the Teign Valley near Exeter. They offer retreat and education resources for all but also have a specialist work in supporting those in Christian ministry. Their definition of ministry for the purpose of access to their ministry resources and discount is:  Continue reading

Broken Rites – support for CSs experiencing/facing relationship breakdown

The team at Broken Rites provided the following summary of the aims of their organisation:

“Broken Rites is an organisation which was founded over 30 years ago to give advice, support and information to clergy spouses/partners who have experienced or are facing the breakdown of their marriage or civil partnership.  It is open to both women and men, including those who have been in a  same sex relationship.  For more information or to contact us visit www.brokenrites.org.uk

Many months ago I posted about a secret Facebook page which has been created for CSs in this situation and you can now access this group through the Broken Rites website – just fill out an enquiry form on the ‘Contact Us’ page.

There is all sorts of information on the website including links to support which may be equally useful for CSs who are not experiencing marital problems.