How Not to be the Perfect Clergy Spouse

Here’s a question to test how hard you were concentrating at your other half’s (OH’s) ordination service. Hands up if you heard the bit where they agreed to this:

‘to fashion your own life and that of your household according to the way of Christ, that you may be a pattern and example to Christ’s people.’

There is no prize (sorry) but if you did register this vow you are doing better than me. If I did notice it at the time I certainly did not remember it for long. It was only when I revisited the ordination service when I was trying to discover the Church of England’s view on clergy spouses (CSs) that I became properly aware of it. It surprised me to find it because I felt that generally as a CS I was invisible to the wider church. Yet here was this vow declaring publicly that I would be part of my husband living his life as an example to everyone else. No pressure people, we’re just supposed to be living ‘according to the way of Christ’ in such a way as to be a pattern for every other Christian you encounter – easy peasy right? Continue reading

The Clergy Spouse Christmas

Advent is not too far off now so I thought I should keep up with tradition and do my annual Clergy Spouse (CS) Christmas post. For longtime followers this will look pretty familiar but may be a helpful reminder of some coping strategies. If you are new to the blog, the whole CS thing or to the CS Christmas then welcome! I hope Advent and Christmas are a blessed time for you but am aware that this may not be the case for everyone. This will be my 8th Christmas as a CS and I have found each year easier but I found the early years tricky. Something about Christmas seemed to magnify the struggles I was already having – the sense of loneliness and displacement, of not knowing how I fit in with my OH’s calling and curacy church, feeling far away from family, friends and my previous life. I’ve often thought Christmas is a time when the challenges of CS life can be particularly keenly felt and many of us and our clergy other halves struggle with balancing church and family life. So here are some things which have helped me and which I hope will help others as you plan for the festive season. If nothing else I hope it will help you to know that if you’re having a hard time you are not alone and there is no shame in finding things difficult

  1. Accept, grieve, get Christmas in perspective

I often dislike people’s talk of sacrifice with reference to CSs because too often the sacrifice they are referring to is unnecessary and could be prevented with some common sense and compassion. In the case of Christmas I think that for most CSs the ‘normal’ family Christmas is a genuinely unavoidable sacrifice. I’ve found fighting the reality of this sort of sacrifice just breeds misery and resentment. Most of us have to accept that being married to an ordained person will require the sacrifice that religious festivals will be different for us to most people and to life before being married to a minister.  It is kinder to yourself if you accept those things you cannot change and take time to mourn the Christmas you would be having if your OH was not ordained.

Continue reading