Each summer sees people being ordained into ministry and starting new posts in churches across the country. With each married person who is ordained a new clergy spouse (CS) is created. With the ordination generally comes many big life changes – where you live, work and worship being just some of them. You may have had to move while your children still had a few weeks of school to finish and/or have had to deal with the new house, guests and preparing a celebration while your other half (OH) goes on pre-ordinaton retreat. You may have had to keep small children entertained throughout a long ordination service. Even if you have not had any major stressors to contend with you find yourself in a new role – you are now someone married to a clergy person. You may have gone into this knowing exactly what you think about being a CS or without a clue. You may be incredibly excited about this new adventure or have some significant reservations. Whatever your situation you may find yourself going through a steep learning curve as the dust settles following ordination. Continue reading
Well it is that time of year again – there are chocolate reindeer in the shops and the church fair organisers are asking for donations so it must be time for the annual Clergy Spouse (CS) Christmas post. This will be my seventh Christmas as a CS but the first remains the one I most vividly remember. Something about Christmas seemed to magnify the struggles I was already having – the sense of loneliness and displacement, of not knowing how I fit in with my OH’s calling and curacy church, feeling far away from family, friends and my previous life. I was pretty miserable despite having the company of my lovely in-laws. Since that first year I’ve often thought Christmas is a time when the challenges of CS life can be particularly keenly felt and many of us and our clergy other halves struggle with balancing church and family life. So here are some things which have helped me and which I hope will help others as you plan for the festive season. If nothing else I hope it will help you to know that if you’re having a hard time you are not alone and there is no shame in finding things difficult
- Accept, grieve, get Christmas in perspective
I often dislike people’s talk of sacrifice with reference to CSs because too often the sacrifice they are referring to is unnecessary and could be prevented with some common sense and compassion. In the case of Christmas I think that for most CSs the ‘normal’ family Christmas is a genuinely unavoidable sacrifice. I’ve found fighting the reality of this sort of sacrifice just breeds misery and resentment. Most of us have to accept that being married to an ordained person will require the sacrifice that religious festivals will be different for us to most people and to life before being married to a minister. It is kinder to yourself if you accept those things you cannot change and take time to mourn the Christmas you would be having if your OH was not ordained.
Hello! I haven’t posted for ages as life has been pretty busy but I promise I have not abandoned the blog. The recent lot of ordinations got me thinking about all the new people joining the clergy spouse (CS) club – I hope it was a joyful time for you seeing your other half ordained but if you had more mixed feelings about it all please know you are not alone. I have now been to two ordinations and a licensing for my husband and to be honest I felt quite weird at all three even though I am very supportive of his work. I felt detached, looking on and feeling happy for my husband but aware that this all has a huge impact on me without really knowing where I fit into it all. Seven years on from that first ordination I am still figuring that out.
The ordinations and some conversations I have had recently got me thinking in particular of the expectations we face as CSs and how to navigate them healthily. Some advice I have come across declares that you should simply live without regard to others’ expectations. I find this strange because we all have expectations of the other people in our lives and many of these expectations will be reasonable. CSs are hardly the only people who encounter the expectations of others. However they are unusual in that it is their other half’s job which sets the context for many of the expectations they face. You are not the person in the job but are very closely associated with it. You have not been interviewed and selected, you do not get a job description and you have no official role. Yet you live in the vicarage and the community which your other half serves, you may well attend the church they work in and be involved in church work. You are a public figure without having a defined role. How you live with these expectations can have a significant impact on your well being. So far I have learnt the following: Continue reading
This time last year I published a post about Christmas and it has been my most viewed post so far. I think Christmas is a time when the challenges of CS life can be keenly felt and many of us and our clergy other halves struggle with balancing church and family life. So here is a slightly updated version of last year’s post for anyone who missed it the first time, hopefully published early enough to give you plenty of time to think over how you will approach the festive season.
- Accept, grieve, get Christmas in perspective
I often dislike people’s talk of sacrifice with reference to CSs because too often the sacrifice they are referring to is unnecessary and could be prevented with some common sense and compassion. In the case of Christmas I think that for most CSs the ‘normal’ family Christmas is a genuinely unavoidable sacrifice. I’ve found fighting the reality of this sort of sacrifice just breeds misery and resentment. Most of us have to accept that being married to an ordained person will require the sacrifice that religious festivals will be different for us to most people and to life before being married to a minister. It is kinder to yourself if you accept those things you cannot change and take time to mourn the Christmas you would be having if your OH was not ordained. Keep communicating with your spouse and let them know how you feel, not to make them feel guilty but so you can be supported. Keeping your feelings under wraps often just leads to brewing resentment and some sort of explosion further down the line. Continue reading
There has been a recent change to the Facebook groups offering support to CSs who are facing crises in their marriage or are separated. The original group ‘Beyond the Vicarage’ has given way to two new groups, ‘Clergy Marriage in Crisis’ and ‘Broken Rites’. ‘Broken Rites’ is for separated and divorced spouses of clergy who have become members of the Broken Rites support group, for more information about Broken Rites see their website: http://brokenrites.org/index.html. ‘Clergy Marriage in Crisis’ is aimed at those who are still married but are facing serious difficulties and need a space to vent, find advice, information and support. Both are secret groups so cannot be found through a normal search on Facebook, instead you can join them through the Broken Rites website here: http://brokenrites.org/support-links.html. For more information or help joining you can get in touch with Katharine Harrison through the Clergy Spouse Support Facebook page.
My previous post outlined some of the challenges which may be faced by a CS at Christmas. Below is a list of thoughts on dealing with these pressures. Some are practical, others are about our own perspective on Christmas. The more I think on it the more I feel that we need to reassess our approach, as individuals and as a church, to Christmas. Is the exhaustion of so many clergy and CSs (and often many other people within and outside the church) by the 25th a sign of a deeper problem? I would argue that it is and that many of us need to find a new way of doing things so that Christmas can be a joy-giver rather than a joy-stealer.
- Accept, grieve, get Christmas in perspective
I often dislike people’s talk of sacrifice with reference to CSs because too often the sacrifice they are referring to is not necessary and could be prevented with a bit of common sense and compassion. So I try to avoid encouraging CSs to grin and bear whatever sacrifice others require of them as the unnecessary difficulties many experience was my main motivation for starting this blog. In the case of Christmas I think that for most CSs the ‘normal’ family Christmas is a genuinely unavoidable sacrifice. I’ve found fighting the reality of this sort of sacrifice just breeds misery and resentment. So you probably will have to accept that being married to an ordained person will require the sacrifice that religious festivals will be different for you to most people and to life before being married to a minister. It is kinder to yourself if you accept those things you cannot change and take time to mourn the Christmas you would be having if your oh was not ordained. Keep communicating with your spouse and let them know how you feel, not to make them feel guilty but so you can be supported. Keeping your feelings under wraps often just leads to brewing resentment and then some sort of explosion further down the line.
Having come out of the other side of this I have found I have been able to get some perspective on Christmas and some of the more excessive aspects of how we celebrate it in Britain (I say this as someone who cried on our first married Christmas because my OH just didn’t do my stocking as well as my mum – I find this amusing now but at the time it made me truly homesick) I’ve been able to see the many positive things in our vicarage Christmases and have learnt to hold traditions a little more lightly; after all as a Christian I have to believe that Christmas is still an important day regardless of whether I get to eat my own weight in turkey or not.
2. Put family time in the diary now
As at all other times of the year your family unit is important and should be a priority for your OH. There is no getting away from the fact that things will be busy but if you put time in the diary you can ensure you get time together. If getting the tree as a family is an important tradition put that in the diary so it can’t be booked up by something else. By having time set aside for family and friends you will all be better able to spread the joy of the season to others. It is a sad state of affairs when the people most closely involved in Christmas in the church are the ones who come to find the least joy in that time of the year through being overworked.
3. Be realistic about what you can manage as a family
When both partners are heavily involved in Christmas events along with all the other aspects of their life it can lead to a very exhausted pair of people. Be truly realistic about what you can reasonably do. Learn to say no. Keep a close eye on the diary and ring the alarm when it is getting too full. Do not feel you have failed if you buy mince pies instead of making them from scratch (unless like me you find making mince pies and eating them fresh from the oven to be one of life’s greatest pleaures, in which case set aside time for that in your diary so you don’t miss out).
This realism also needs to extend to arrangements you make for celebrating Christmas as a family. If some of the relationships between people in your family are a source of tension or conflict combining these difficult family dynamics with a very tired vicar and/or CS may not be for the best for anyone. There is so much pressure to see family on Christmas Day you may find not everyone understands if you choose not to but it may be worth standing firm in this decision if it avoids huge amounts of stress. You can make time to see extended family at another time when you hopefully have the energy to deal with it better.
4. Christmas is just a day we happen to have labelled ‘Christmas’
There is a tremendous amount of pressure to have ‘the perfect Christmas’ and although we seem to do Christmas for all of December the climax is still the 25th. It is easy to become fixated on this one day and feel you have to have the special meal/open presents/see all your family otherwise it will all be a failure. However it is worth taking a step back and asking whether all of these things really do have to be done then at all and if they are essential elements of Christmas Day or even of Christmas altogether. If they don’t fit with your OH’s schedule could you just do things completely differently to how we have learnt to think things have to be? Having a special meal a few days later with family feels just as great as doing it on the 25th. If opening presents on Christmas Eve makes more sense why wait for the next day. If you are too tired to cook on Christmas Day why not have a tradition of having pizza in your pyjamas. We’ve had years where New Year’s Eve has been our second Christmas with extended family and it has been lovely to enjoy it with a husband who has had most of the week off and is well rested. A bit of creativity and flexibility can go a long way and you may even find it refreshing to break with the old way of doing things.
5. Do Advent and the 12 days of Christmas
Since you are forced to some extent to be out of step with how everyone else is doing Christmas this can be an opportunity to find a calmer way of approaching the whole season. Advent used to be a time of preparation and expectation but now gets little attention as Christmas events run throughout. Ian Paul on his blog http://www.psephizo.com/life-ministry/can-we-undo-the-consumer-frenzy-of-christmas/ draws attention to Ruth Grayson’s idea of reviving Advent and the 12 days of Christmas, even rescheduling church events to fall after Christmas to make Advent less busy. You may not be able to persuade your church to reschedule everything this year (although you have the Rev’s ear so you could give it a go!) but if you can revive Advent and the 12 days of Christmas in your own home you may find it takes some pressure off the 25th. I’ve found the important thing for me is having family time across the whole season of Advent and Christmas rather than focusing on what we do on just one day.
6. Do not do anything simply to fulfil expectations
I mentioned in my previous post that some people you encounter may have fixed ideas about how Christmas should be done both in the church and the vicarage. As ever with the expectations issue the advice is to do what you feel is right rather than what you feel (or have been told) is expected. Every family is different and just because something worked for the previous vicarage dwellers that does not mean every vicar who follows is committed to doing the same thing.
7. Make the most of the perks where you find them
There is an upside to most situations. Last year my OH did a christingle service which I took our toddler and baby along to, worrying it could be a bit challenging to manage Mikey on my own in such a big space as his little brother was only 6 weeks old. OH had a giant model of a christingle orange and had used dried figs as raisins. He recklessly left the open packet of figs on a pew at the front…and Mikey stopped running around for long enough to help himself, which then encouraged the other small children to tuck in too. There is a lot to be said for not feeling embarassed when this sort of thing happens because said child’s father is the one taking the service. It was also lovely that once other parents saw Mikey running around causing mischief they stopped trying to hang on to their own toddlers, making for a more relaxed time for everyone. Take the blessings where you find them, once you conciously try to notice them you find more and more even if you are simultaneously having a hard time.
My perspective is limited by the fact that our children are small and have no preconceived ideas of how Christmas should be. Our family Christmases will always have been formed to fit with the church schedule and will be their ‘normal’. I would guess that it can be harder helping older children to adjust to the change and that they will miss the parent who has to be very busy at this time of year. If you know other clergy families who have been through this it may well be worth seeking advice on how they coped. The CS support groups on Facebook are great places to ask what other people do and find inspiration for forming your own way of doing things. You never know, you may find rethinking Christmas leads you to a far more joyful way of experiencing the season….but if that doesn’t happen remember your fellow CSs know what you’re going through, you are not alone even if the festive season feels like a lonely time.