Well it is that time of year again – there are chocolate reindeer in the shops and the church fair organisers are asking for donations so it must be time for the annual Clergy Spouse (CS) Christmas post. This will be my seventh Christmas as a CS but the first remains the one I most vividly remember. Something about Christmas seemed to magnify the struggles I was already having – the sense of loneliness and displacement, of not knowing how I fit in with my OH’s calling and curacy church, feeling far away from family, friends and my previous life. I was pretty miserable despite having the company of my lovely in-laws. Since that first year I’ve often thought Christmas is a time when the challenges of CS life can be particularly keenly felt and many of us and our clergy other halves struggle with balancing church and family life. So here are some things which have helped me and which I hope will help others as you plan for the festive season. If nothing else I hope it will help you to know that if you’re having a hard time you are not alone and there is no shame in finding things difficult
- Accept, grieve, get Christmas in perspective
I often dislike people’s talk of sacrifice with reference to CSs because too often the sacrifice they are referring to is unnecessary and could be prevented with some common sense and compassion. In the case of Christmas I think that for most CSs the ‘normal’ family Christmas is a genuinely unavoidable sacrifice. I’ve found fighting the reality of this sort of sacrifice just breeds misery and resentment. Most of us have to accept that being married to an ordained person will require the sacrifice that religious festivals will be different for us to most people and to life before being married to a minister. It is kinder to yourself if you accept those things you cannot change and take time to mourn the Christmas you would be having if your OH was not ordained.
There are two days for clergy other halves coming up in September both are being facilitated by Rowena Cross from Esther Ministry who has run a few days for clergy spouses across the country. Continue reading
Hello! I haven’t posted for ages as life has been pretty busy but I promise I have not abandoned the blog. The recent lot of ordinations got me thinking about all the new people joining the clergy spouse (CS) club – I hope it was a joyful time for you seeing your other half ordained but if you had more mixed feelings about it all please know you are not alone. I have now been to two ordinations and a licensing for my husband and to be honest I felt quite weird at all three even though I am very supportive of his work. I felt detached, looking on and feeling happy for my husband but aware that this all has a huge impact on me without really knowing where I fit into it all. Seven years on from that first ordination I am still figuring that out.
The ordinations and some conversations I have had recently got me thinking in particular of the expectations we face as CSs and how to navigate them healthily. Some advice I have come across declares that you should simply live without regard to others’ expectations. I find this strange because we all have expectations of the other people in our lives and many of these expectations will be reasonable. CSs are hardly the only people who encounter the expectations of others. However they are unusual in that it is their other half’s job which sets the context for many of the expectations they face. You are not the person in the job but are very closely associated with it. You have not been interviewed and selected, you do not get a job description and you have no official role. Yet you live in the vicarage and the community which your other half serves, you may well attend the church they work in and be involved in church work. You are a public figure without having a defined role. How you live with these expectations can have a significant impact on your well being. So far I have learnt the following: Continue reading
Eight days on from my last post I confess I have been amazed at the amount of views it has had. Clearly Angela Tilby’s comments have stirred up much interest in this area. I was equally surprised to find my blog referred to by Ian Paul in his own blog post on the topic http://www.psephizo.com/life-ministry/should-clergy-have-christmas-day-off/. The whole post is worth reading as it raises many important questions about Christmas and the wider topic of clergy work and marriage.
His comments on my post did leave me feeling that on some points he was arguing against something which I had not said. I realise that my writing may have lacked clarity in some areas and is perhaps open to being misunderstood so I wish to respond to his comments to (hopefully!) make sure that no one misunderstands what I am trying to say. Ian’s comments were as follows: Continue reading
If you read the Church Times you may have seen Angela Tilby’s column from the 9th December issue urging clergy to avoid family-olatry this Christmas. It would have caught my eye at any time but I was particularly struck by her words as I have lately been putting much thought into my understanding of marriage and ministry and how a couple balances these two demanding callings. Rev Tilby argues that ‘Clergy and ministers today often seem to buy into a view of the family which is difficult to justify from the Gospels.’ I totally agree but would suggest that this is far more likely to be in the direction of neglecting the family due to idolatry of the ordained ministry than the other way around. Rev Tilby claims that thirty years ago the parish came before family at Christmas; I can imagine many clergy spouses thinking that the parish only coming first at Christmas would be a marked improvement on their clergy partner’s current working practice. Continue reading
This time last year I published a post about Christmas and it has been my most viewed post so far. I think Christmas is a time when the challenges of CS life can be keenly felt and many of us and our clergy other halves struggle with balancing church and family life. So here is a slightly updated version of last year’s post for anyone who missed it the first time, hopefully published early enough to give you plenty of time to think over how you will approach the festive season.
- Accept, grieve, get Christmas in perspective
I often dislike people’s talk of sacrifice with reference to CSs because too often the sacrifice they are referring to is unnecessary and could be prevented with some common sense and compassion. In the case of Christmas I think that for most CSs the ‘normal’ family Christmas is a genuinely unavoidable sacrifice. I’ve found fighting the reality of this sort of sacrifice just breeds misery and resentment. Most of us have to accept that being married to an ordained person will require the sacrifice that religious festivals will be different for us to most people and to life before being married to a minister. It is kinder to yourself if you accept those things you cannot change and take time to mourn the Christmas you would be having if your OH was not ordained. Keep communicating with your spouse and let them know how you feel, not to make them feel guilty but so you can be supported. Keeping your feelings under wraps often just leads to brewing resentment and some sort of explosion further down the line. Continue reading
There has been a recent change to the Facebook groups offering support to CSs who are facing crises in their marriage or are separated. The original group ‘Beyond the Vicarage’ has given way to two new groups, ‘Clergy Marriage in Crisis’ and ‘Broken Rites’. ‘Broken Rites’ is for separated and divorced spouses of clergy who have become members of the Broken Rites support group, for more information about Broken Rites see their website: http://brokenrites.org/index.html. ‘Clergy Marriage in Crisis’ is aimed at those who are still married but are facing serious difficulties and need a space to vent, find advice, information and support. Both are secret groups so cannot be found through a normal search on Facebook, instead you can join them through the Broken Rites website here: http://brokenrites.org/support-links.html. For more information or help joining you can get in touch with Katharine Harrison through the Clergy Spouse Support Facebook page.